The “kinky queer butch top” identity label run-down is roughly chronological. Each of those identities took time and intention for me to cultivate and own, and the last - top - is the newest - and still the one that is the most flexible and insecure. It is also (I find) a realm of sexual/relationship identity that most people do not delve too deeply into - most people would not claim a top or bottom or switch label. So it does become a bit difficult to talk about.

But, in the interest of continuing to develop this identity fraction of mine, I need to actively seek women who are bottoms.

This leads me in two places: 1. how do I meet these women?; 2. should I continue to sleep with Joy?

I am not yet ready to be actively seeking a relationship, even a purely sexual one. The two women I’ve slept with since Callie & I split up in early May have both been the ones to make the moves, which was exciting, and there was no way I was going to say no. (Note to self, this may be an indication that they are tops, for future reference.) It’s not that I am sorry to have slept with them - I had fun, there was learning that happened - but there was something missing. It’s hard to place if that is because of the toppiness, or because of the comparitively lack of emotional intensity (unlike what I had with Callie, which I am no doubt idealizing) from which I am still recovering. Am I equating good sex with emotional involvement? With love? I thought I could separate the two.

Then again, I am actually new to this casual sex thing.

Which brings up another point: I’ve never actually picked up a girl for a one-night stand kind of thing. Taken someone home from a bar, et cetera. How do I do that? I’d like to be able to, I’d like to figure it out. I’d like to have the confidence to approach someone, the right words and phrases and moves. Lesbians don’t really do that kind of thing, but I bet it’s possible.

So, put that on the list of things to work on about myself: being the aggressor in a pick-up situation, which will, I imagine, increase my chances of picking up a girl who bottoms.

So, should I keep sleeping with Joy? She is sexy, very good in bed, excellent at adapting to what I ask for. It seems like there is a lot more we could still explore. But, in order for that to happen, I feel like I might have to ask her to bottom, or ask her about what she thinks of those roles and identities, what she prefers. I’m not sure exactly how to do that, though she’s pretty open, and if there’s one thing that writing erotica & Sugarbutch has taught me it’s that people really like to talk about sex. Joy & I haven’t had the kink conversation yet about what we like, so perhaps that’s a place to start. A lot of my favorite kink toys - floggers, bondage, spanking - involve some power play and surrender, and it’d be a good lead-in to that discussion, that potential opening of exploration between us.

Or perhaps I just need to tie her to the bedposts and have my way with her.

(Just kidding. Mostly.)

If she can’t or doesn’t want to go there with me, I don’t know, I guess I’ll have to reassess after I have more information.