ready to take flight

June 3, 2007  |  journal entries

My sister willingly sketched the tattoo out on my shoulder with a permanent marker, and I love the way it looks. This will happen this summer.I have not dreamed of her the last few nights. I barely thought of her today. I did speak about her last night to a friend, but that was partially because I was tipsy (mojitos are so perfect for hot Saturday afternoons) and partly because this friend had seen me through this relationship, from the beginning, and had a lot of useful things to say about love and me in love and what it was like to witness the two of us together.

Here’s the thing. I love being in love. Love it. That seems like a silly thing to say because, duh, doesn’t everybody love being in love? But the truth is, no, not really. Some people run from it. Some people don’t seem to know how to recognize it when they have it. I have the advantage of being a queer woman in this case, since us dykes are known for our u-haul instantaneous declarations of forever, though there are plenty of us who are not like that. I, however … seems like I am one of them.

I’ve been thinking about it, and here’s a bit of my relationship history:

14-19: Serious relationship with a boy, the only boy I’ve ever been with. I think I’ve referred to him as “Mike” here on Sugarbutch (I should make a post to keep track of names). My bisexuality was never a secret; at first, he loved that I was really into women, but as the relationship went on it became less about him and more about me potentially leaving him to be with women, which I eventually did.

19-23: Came out as queer, went back to college, generally single. A few relationships in this time lasted longer than a month, and plenty of scars to show for it. But this whole time I was in love with my best friend. that’s a long story, of course, but the whole time we were in these deep emotional negotiations about how we’d “eventually” get together and “eventually” be perfect for each other, when in fact I was being strung along. I believed her every time.

23-27: With The Ex-Girlfriend, who is a semi-frequent character on Sugarbutch.

27/28: Six months with Callie. Our relationship overlapped with the Ex-Girlfriend’s, as you may remember.

So really, aside from those few first years of my queer adult self (which only half count, since all my emotional/romantic energy was going to one particular girl), I haven’t been single in my entire sexual history.

See what I mean, that I love being in love? I do. I can’t help but be a poet; I am so interested in the inner emotional lives of people, I love to have that access to one particular beautiful person in intimate ways. I am tempering those impulses in me to sift through my phone book, my email and myspace and friendster contacts, and find a date, someone to flirt with, someone I can reach inside of for a while.

I’m beginning to take pictures again. That’s one of the first things that seems to slide off the table when my schedule is otherwise full: spending time with myself, just looking, seeing things, objects, people, places, my own face and skin. I miss that, it’s nice to have it back.

I’m also writing more. This past week I’ve been in a creative overdrive, writing stories and poems that I’ve wanted to write for a long time, years, in some cases, and all sorts of things are coming out of me. I’m remembering my talents. Using them to make sense of things. Thank god.

There is so much more to discover about me. I love what I’m finding when I take myself out, ask myself questions, hear my own stories. I have more ideas and themes and impulses and inner workings in me than this single life of mine can hold. No wonder I felt so much pressure in that last relationship – I had no time for myself, and it takes a lot of time to pursue all of my interests.

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5 Comments


  1. It is a gorgeous tattoo, and obviously carries a lot of meaning.I think that it's very easy to fall into a relationship where you give yourself almost completely to that other. You lose your time and space for creativity, not because they have physically taken it away, but that other person and the feeling of giving yourself to that other person is an addictive thing.It's good that you're getting back to the things that truly express you as a person, rather than as a functioning part of a relationship.Cheers,Vic

  2. Sinclair,I have been reading your blog since my break up, which was on my birthday in May. I was inspired to start a blog because of that. And I gotta tell you, I am overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like you are speaking for me, from my heart. I too have not been single for my entire sexual adult life, and I am now finding the steps of adaptation so very interesting, and more so because of your writing.You impress me…Thankyou

  3. you know i think that tattoo is gorgeous… and to be in love is an amazing thing, an incredible feeling. there's nothing wrong with desiring that emotion. just be careful next time you get involved and take care of yourself first and foremost.

  4. I know what you mean. I am somewhat the same. I get into a relationship and immediately hit the gas. Sometimes not stopping until I hit the brick wall. But I love the feeling and I'm always chasing it. Which is why I fall too fast, and stay too long.

  5. The tattoo is beautiful. I am, perhaps, in a somewhat different place than you. I'm terrified to ever fall in love again.

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