She freaked after we split. Last I heard, her mom had come to town and hospitalized her, she’d lost too much weight and wasn’t eating, and she dropped out of law school. When we did the exchange-of-the-stuff thing, she said she was ‘going away for a while,’ not sure to where or for how long. All very dramatic.

But, she’s still here. In early December she posted a photo of herself at the Thanksgiving Day Parade here in New York, which was my first clue that she was still in, or had returned to, New York City.

So I emailed her, mostly to say hello, say I was thinking of her, to invite communication to reopen. Yesterday, I saw her online for the first time in months, and said hi.

She was at work, and busy. We didn’t say much. Told each other we would chat soon.

Then I caught her online today while she was at home, and we chatted. She told me she’s still mad at how things happened - not even so much the breakup, the heartbreak, but about how things played out.

Yeah, I can understand that. That’s what we always say the “real” problem is: how things happen, not that they happen.

I fully admit to making mistakes. I didn’t do it nearly as smoothly as I would’ve liked. I tried. Maybe I did my best, maybe I didn’t. I did what I thought was best at the time, that’s as good as I could’ve done I guess. I didn’t have friends holding me up, I didn’t have advice. I did what I could.

It just makes me sad. I’ve been really sad about her lately. I wish things had gone differently. Not that I want to be with her, because I don’t - I just wish she didn’t hurt.

How exactly does one breakup with another person, whom they deeply love and respect, with integrity and kindness?

I guess I have a few visions. Breaking up via email and gmail chat while one of us was in Africa is not one of them.

I guess I hope she can forgive me. She was really important, for a long time. What else do I want from her? I don’t know.

Things have just been sad lately. Every time I get into my own bed, alone, I feel better than I have all day. There are too many people, too much stimulation in my life. I want to be alone, left alone, alone in my room, with more time to kill than I have things to fill it. I want to be bored: oh the luxury. I want to know exactly how much money I have and all the bills I haven’t paid and all the books I haven’t read on my shelves. I want to play with my cat until she’s too tired to play any more. I want to cook all the potatoes and carrots I have (how did I acquire so many!) into a stew.

How can I add new things into my life when I don’t have enough time as it is? What can I cut out?

I’m exhausted.