This must stop. I can’t keep going like this, things need need need to settle down. I have to make that happen.

Bee and J. had the privilege of observing me and The Girlfriend, as we have still been seeing each other fairly frequently (um, about daily, until this week). One day, we would be good-natured and light, getting along fine, then the next it would be so tense and awkward as soon as she showed up. They both took me aside and said look, you can’t do this like you’re doing this and had some insights about me and who I am and relationships and how I’m progressing and what to do.

They kept saying, it isn’t fair to her, you actually might be making things worse, you’re prolonging this unnecessarily, etc etc, all those things you would guess they would say.

Which is not wrong. It isn’t that they are off base, just that I am so scared of hurting The Girlfriend again, like I did before, that I am feeling so powerless and silent and frightened of any confrontation or real communication with her.

Which, of course, is a big problem.

The other hesitation is that now that I have my own apartment, now that Bee is in town and J. (was) in town, I don’t “need” The Girlfriend anymore - I don’t need to stay at her place while I’m homeless, I don’t need to use her shower and her fridge, I don’t need her company. So now is when I leave? That, T.G. is accusing me, is incredibly selfish. She is going to call me on this, I know it. She said something similar when she was in Africa and I was still here: that I have been in a bit of a depression for the last year or so, and now that I’m snapping out of it, I want to leave her. Now that I’m moving on, now that she took care of me through that, and things are getting a little better for me, I want to be on my own.

But: partly the reason things ARE getting a little better is EXACTLY BECAUSE I started acknowledging how difficult it was for me to be in relationship with her. And when I started realizing, writing, and making plans about my own life, things started getting better.

What I’m trying to say is that after Bee and J. confronted me about The Girlfriend, I didn’t really know what to say except that they were right, and I didn’t really know what to do about it, aside from have a conversation asking to cut The Girlfriend out of my life. The problem with doing that is that I feel like I need 2 hours, or 5 hours, or a whole weekend, to hash things out and discuss and process and cry, but that I literally DO NOT HAVE 2 HOURS in the next three weeks. I’m booked, seemingly, from 8am to 10pm every day, and I’m exhausting myself. Any spare time MUST be spent on my own mental calmness rather than processing my fucked-up drawn-out relationship breakup.

We kept chatting, and basically came to the conclusion that I did need to talk to her, but don’t have time, and that I cannot let things keep going like they are, because that is stressful and hurtful for both of us. So, I talked to The Girlfriend and explained that my schedule is incredibly full, that I need to have more time and space in my world to simply BE QUIET, let alone write (have you seen me posting here lately? no) and process and call friends and have some peace in my brain. I told her it wasn’t because I don’t love her (because, honestly, I do) or because I don’t care or don’t want to see her (because I do), but rather because my life is overwhelming me.

I told her I knew we needed to talk, to sit down and have an honest, open, real conversation about what’s going on between us, and that I wanted to do that very much but was too restricted by my stupid obligations to do so. I didn’t say that I we shouldn’t talk or see each other, just that we need to set a date to talk about this seriously, and that I can’t guarantee very much presence or communication before then.

This, J. and Bee tell me, will get me “off the hook” when I go to a potluck this Saturday with a girl upon which I have a crush, and when I travel TO ANOTHER STATE to see a girl I have every intention of being intimate with, and when I go to a Body Electric workshop in mid-October.

Yesterday, I did not answer The Girlfriend’s text messages. I did chat with her briefly online, but I did not call her and I did not see her. I think this is the first time I haven’t seen her or talked to her in a very, very long time (of course, sometimes when she was visiting some refugee camp in rural Africa I didn’t speak to her, sometimes for up to a week, but … this is very different).

I gave myself a deadline of October 6th, so this separation must start happening more rapidly. I keep thinking, but I did this already! it’s so unfair to have to do it again! But I know, I know, i haven’t really done it yet, because it isn’t done.

But it’s started, and it’s picking up speed. And it feels … alright.