something has to change

dear girlfriend,

we’ve been together almost four years and it isn’t working.

um, i’m not sure what else to say except that.

i’m not sure what you’ll say. you knew when you left for africa for the summer that it was a gamble, you were afriad I would fall for someone else or leave you or both and look, voila, here we are. I have confronted you, told you what I needed, asked for your help to fix us, at various times in the past and things have never changed. even if you said just what I wanted you to say – that you love me, you’re committed to work on this, that you want to, that you’ll fight for me – I’m not sure that’s enough anymore.

no. it isn’t enough anymore. and even if those things change, I don’t think it will be enough. we’re too different, we want different things, our life paths are going different places.

funny, sometimes i think this stuff up to tell you and I see your reaction as completely calm. not only you were expecting it, but you agree, and have some relief to be free of me.

it is not a relief to be leaving you, to be without you. it’s terrifying. I know what it feels like to break up with someone, both with desperate wanting that nothing will stop and with some hesitation but with knowledge that it’s the best thing. this is neither of those, this is only terror and anxiety.

but somewhere underneath I still know it has to happen. something has to change. and since it hasn’t been you, I think it has to be me.

Published by Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith is a genderqueer kinky butch writer who teaches and performs, specializing in sexualities, genders, and relationships. They've written at sugarbutch.net since 2006, recognized numerous places as one of the Top Sex Blogs. Sinclair's gender theory and queer erotica is widely published in anthologies like Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, and online at Feministing, Autostraddle, AfterEllen, and more; they are the editor of Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 and Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica, both published by Cleis Press. Sweet & Rough: Sixteen Stories of Queer Smut, Sinclair's first book of short erotic stories, was published in 2014. They use the pronouns they, them, theirs, themself, and live in Oakland, CA with their boy.

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